8500 Days

I've never been a feminist.
My whole life, I've been an "equalist," or a queer theorist. I have always believed that neither men nor women are superior; we are all strong in different ways. Where a woman is weak, a man is strong, and vice versa. Maybe it was naive, but it worked for me. It allowed be to be non-judgmental and appreciative of both sexes.
That being said, I'm older now. Life isn't the same as it used to be, and neither is the world. I've been meaning to write this post for some time now, but have just been trying to think of the right words. And there are none.
It is absolutely terrifying (please note how much emphasis I put on this word) to be a woman today. Yes, we have come a ridiculously long way, but we still have so far to go before equality is something that is real. Something opened my eyes recently, and I want to share it with all of you.
I won't explain the whole story because that way, it'll force you to read the articles that I link, but I will make clear the point I'm trying to make:
AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD GIRL WAS GANG-RAPED (once again, notice the emphasis) BY EIGHTEEN DIFFERENT MEN OF VARYING AGES, AND THE COMMUNITY/SOCIETY BLAMED HER.
Yes, you read that right. Rape culture has become such a huge part of our society nowadays that it's stripped women (pardon the pun) of every dignity we have. As someone who was raped and kept silent for years, mostly because of fear, I know what kind of repercussions rape culture can have on a person. That little girl's life has been completely fucked. It took me years to get over my sexual abuse, I'm still dealing with it today; I can't imagine what she's going to have to go through to get her life back to normal. I feel for her, I really do. I won't become all preachy or anything, but I just wanted to point some things out, things that we tend to overlook.
Let me tell you a story or two... about men and women... An ex-boyfriend of mine (no names shall ever be named) and I were talking about possibly pursuing a long-distance relationship, as he was possibly moving away for school. We were wondering whether or not we could make it work, which is reasonable, right? Then out of the blue, he tells me, and I quote: "Maybe if you lost some weight, I'd be less prone to cheating on you." Yeah, you read that right too. I was like WHAT, so he continues: "It's just that you kind of have jowls, chubby thighs, and a fat butt. If you lost weight in those areas, we'd have sex more often, and you wouldn't have to worry about me and other girls while I'm gone." He then proceeded to show me pictures of what I should look like... THEY WERE PICTURES OF PORN STARS. I would have had to lose 30 pounds, grown 8 inches, and lost about 3 cup sizes. And all this happened while I was a healthy 118 pounds, with D size breasts, a tiny waist, and a smoking toned body. Yeah, true story.
Second story: Another boyfriend, different time, was crazy in love with me for a freakishly long time. Told me I was the girl of his dreams, everything he ever wanted. He made me feel so beautiful, so amazing. Then, one day, (there's always a storm in every fairytale isn't there?) something is obviously bothering him, so I ask what's wrong. He says: "No, I don't want to talk about it. I feel like a horrible person." But obviously, I ask him to please tell me, otherwise I'll be really self-conscious and upset and think it's me, which is reasonable, right? So he says: "Well... since you've been on your new meds, you kind of have a little bit of hair on your upper lip, and it weirds me out. It makes me want to kiss you less." (First, let me point out that everyone has hair on their upper lip, and mine, though existent, were actually quite pale and barely visible. Secondly, I'd like to also point out that he barely ever kissed me at all. He was one of those guys who just never made out, which sucked because I really like kissing; I find it very intimate.) So these incidents led me to ask myself: WHY IS MY BODY NEVER FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR GUYS? But then I realized something: there is absolutely nothing wrong with my body. The problem is the men. Now, I'm not saying that all men are evil or anything like that. I've also dated women, and trust me, we're not perfect peaches either.
For a long time, I never had any problem with my weight or self-esteem issues. But that's because I had the kind of body that society deemed acceptable (seriously not trying to flatter myself here; I have naturally beautiful breasts, I'm short and petite, and because I worked out and danced a lot, I was in great shape). Then, I got sick with Crohn's. And they put me on some horrible drugs: steroids. Now, I don't know if everyone knows how shitty these pills are... They make you gain about 50 pounds of water weight, they make your hair grow longer and darker, including the hair on your arms and the rest of your body, and they make you really weak and feeble, unable to do most things you used to do, and completely kill your lungs and endurance (granted, they did help with the inflammation in my intestines a little bit, but still). So of course, I gained a lot of weight, and my whole body and face just completely changed. There were some people in high school who would actually point and laugh "behind my back" and I could always hear the whispers and I knew all the rumours... And my self-esteem just went right shit. I never thought I'd lose the weight and get my body back. But I eventually did. University came, and I was looking really good again. Then, I went crazy and "became bipolar." And they put me on some horrible drugs: mood-stabilizers. Though they have helped my mind like mad (pardon another horrible pun), they've made me gain about 60 pounds. Once again, my body has changed completely. My face looks the same at least, but my once nicely toned abs are gone and have been replaced with a tire (albeit little) around my waist. Yes, I have lost 15 of those pounds; yes, I'll probably lose more. But my self-esteem still isn't what it used to be. Kind of like this world.
Now, although all of this seemed like rambling, I do have a point. Tonight, I spent a couple of hours shaving my legs, plucking my eyebrows, fixing my hair and my nails, finding a sexy-ish outfit, and spritzing on perfume. Why? Because I wanted to feel sexy. I wanted to come out into the living room, have my boyfriend take one look at me, go "damn," and then take me into the bedroom and make love to me like he meant it. Instead, he told me I "looked cute." And then went back to reading stuff on his computer lol. To be honest, it really upset me at first. But now, after thinking about feminism, and about how much we actually do for men, I don't care. Tonight, I did all those things because I wanted to feel sexy. And ya know what? I do. My legs feel amazing, I smell great, and despite my chubby tummy sticking out, I look fantastic. And it won't be wasted; I'll just make love to my fabulous self on my own. It's his loss, right? But why do we do that? Why do we try so hard for anyone but ourselves?
Now, I know that I can't be compared to the eleven year old girl. The point of this post (as incoherent as it is; I apologize, but it's quite late at night/early in the morning, and I'm quite tired lol) is that women are not equal to men. Not yet. There's still a ridiculous amount of rape, abuse, FGM, injustice, and a million other things that make it so that men are still the superior beings of this Earth. And it's wrong. These things are wrong. Once again, I'd like to reiterate that I do not think that all mean are evil or misogynistic or anything like that. I'm just saying that women have not been allowed to be equal yet. It took me 23 years, exactly 8500 days today, but I have finally decided to live my life for me, to be beautiful for me, and to be independent. I don't need a man, but I do choose to have one. I shouldn't have to compromise any part of myself to be a girlfriend/wife/mother. I see the plight of women now. I hate the inequality that still exists. And I want to help make a change. I'm getting out of my box, and doing something. We've been degraded too long to not stand up and be heard.
I've never been a feminist.
Until now.

About rape culture and the incident: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/09/us/09assault.html?_r=1&hpl

NYTimes article about little girl: http://www.alternet.org/rss/1/513829/11-year-old_girl_horrifically_gang-raped%3B_new_york_times_article_blames_the_victim?akid=6629.41174.6ebY8o&rd=1&t=12

Horrible facts about rape: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/4078677.stm

Language in rape culture: http://therumpus.net/2011/03/the-careless-language-of-sexual-violence/